On Being You?

A BET.com moderator suggested that women 50+ share with younger women, “what you have learned on being you.” This is what I am learning:

On being you? God had me in His mind to create me long before I was born. He had a purpose and plans--wonderful marvelous plans for my life. Plans for prosperity and not disaster, plans to give me a future and a hope. So long I tried to be something and someone that I was not. Trying to fit into people’s view of the me they thought I should be. Trying to please an abusive mother, and a well known but most-times absent father. Raped at age 14, I was determined to take this and every secret of my life to an early grave.

Thus, my journey began to be accepted by anyone and everyone—to get someone to love me and keep me safe. I turned to people to define who I was--especially men. The kind of men that lived on the fringes and edges of life. Hustlers and other self-proclaimed gangsters. I only meant to wet my feet...but they pulled me in. The "go-go" lifestyle with it drugs, fine cars, and shimmering clothes became a way of life—even for a once "good girl" like me. Everything I said, "I would never do...” I did. Until the “me” that I once tried to be was unrecognizable—even I looked with disdain at my own reflection in the mirror. Black and crusted lines of needle marks trailing down my neck, wrists and hands. Sleeping on a filthy mattress on the floor. Showering, when necessary, in an attempt to clean the degradation, loneliness, desolation, and hopelessness grafted onto my life, like extra unwanted layers of skin.

One time, I was found in my office more dead than alive. Having overdosed on heroin, I flat-lined three times in the ambulance. According the paramedics, each time the resuscitated me I whispered, “I want to live.” While God spared my life, I continued to shoot, smoke, and snort drugs even while in the hospital for three months. No matter how bad I wanted to stop using drugs, I could not stop.

But one desperate night, while looking at a handsome man on TV giving his testimony about once being a heroin addict but that Jesus changed his life—feeling defeated and at the end of myself, I rolled over onto my knees and prayed, "Jesus, help me like you helped that man. Forgive me--live your life in me."

Through an arduous but wonderful journey to wholeness that started that night while watching the 700 Club, I am clean and free from the bondage of addiction for over 19 years. God has shown me—through every struggle and triumph since then—the “me” that He birthed me to be. An artist whose canvases are filled with words--spoken and written. A singer who never believed her notes were pure enough because they didn't sound like someone else's—but so they shouldn't—each note that I sing is flavored with me. A good and tender mother who cherishes the son, whom I had abandoned during my addiction but graciously gave me another chance, never stopped loving me and loved me until I could love myself. A daughter who doesn’t have to fill her daddy's shoes because God's got a pair just for her—that she was born to fit. A daughter than can forgive her mother—and move on. A bodacious black woman who's eccentric but so it is and so should it be. A new grandmother who hoped this day would come as proof that the generational curse has been broken.

And above all, I am a daughter of “I AM THAT I AM” who learns daily to learn to love the me that God sees. "...Wonderfully made." An "apple of His eye." "Like a tree planted by the streams of water which yields fruit in season, whose leaf does not wither. Whatever she does prospers."

And so on being me? I’s free now! Free to be the “me” that God birthed me to be. If not now, when? If not me who?

Isn't It Amazing?

Isn't it amazing how when you are obedient in what God gives you to do—no matter how large or small the task—He freely gives you whatever is needed to carry out the task? Then, as if that's not grace enough--He infuses that act of obedience—with His Resurrection Power, wrapped in His Unceasing Love, and Unleashed by the Holy Spirit. Thusly so and only then are hearts touched, hope leaps forth, destinies are changed, and eternal rewards are indelibly imprinted in God’s Book of Life—not only the recipients; but also, the doers. Therefore, Chosen Ones, as the Word instructs us, “let your light so shine among men (as in mankind) that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven.” (Matthew 5:16)

Musings of a Grateful New Grandmother

Those of you that read, my book, I Say A Prayer for Me, met my son, Michael, at 8-years-old within the pages. Now 28-years-old, he is a Morgan State University graduate. He, too, is a writer and Founding Editor of YARDstyle Magazine (“A New HBCU Tradition") is free to students on 75+ Historically Black Colleges & Universities. Most recently, he became a father. My first grandbaby, a glowingly beautiful little girl, also named Michal (a different spelling than her dad) was born in June.

I weep tears of joy, even as I type, at the thought of her. I weep as I think of such a generously kind God who has blessed me and mine beyond measure. I weep as I think of the countless prayers that I have lifted up to God on behalf of my “grandbabies to come” long before my son was even old enough to have children.

Michal is ever changing and still quite the stunning one. I recently shared photos of her with my friend since childhood, Omie (who you also met in the book), and she wrote me back..."Lord have mercy she favors YOU. She's such a cutey."

Although I don't quite see it...it was good for "Grandmoms" (since my son calls me "moms") to hear. Generations of genes on both sides are there. As with him—as with me. It's amazing isn't it…the creative power of God?

It's like He loves us so much, that he wants to perpetuate us here on earth as well as in heaven. Us there with Him eventually (with new immortal bodies that will never wear out) and remnants of us here. I sit at my computer today—humbled and in awe of the amazingly everlasting love of God.

After all that has been said and done in my life, God still allowed me to live to see the day that I can say, “My name is Stanice, and I am Michal Zoë's grandmother.”

Photo: Stanice and Michael (Then)

Me and my son, Michael (Then)

Photo: Michael and Michal (Now)

Michael and his daughter, Michal (Now)

Weapon for Spiritual Warfare

A Prophetic Word For God's People

I’m getting a sense your faith, too, is being stretched in this season of your life. Just hold on my sister--my brother-- because God is rewarding those who hold out and hold on to His promises. Regardless of what it may “look” like God is still on the throne and in the process of blessing you beyond what you can think, ask, or imagine. This is a season of miracles. A season of God granting His people some of the desires of their hearts. From September 2004 through March 2005 a special blessing of abundance and “more than enough” is going to be poured out from Heaven’s gates and windows. He is rewarding those who have diligently sought Him. Especially that one thing that you have been asking the Lord for years now. Like the persistent widow, you have knocked, knocked, on Heaven’s Door, asking the Lord to "Please, Lord, please…" He heard you then and because of your persistence, diligence, foresight to know only He can do what needs to be done, and your faith that has not wavered especially on this one thing that’s between you and God—You are about to see it come to pass.

We Made it Through

My soul cries out, "We made it through! God being our helper."

So real. So right. It felt like THE hardest boulder-strew road I've traveled. And yet, if it got me to where I am right now—today—then it was well worth every scrape and cut into my life-core.

You see yesterday, I left my new condo early in the morning to go to Kareema who generously manicured my locs that were born alongside that same road. They now mark my first right turn into freedom on November 1, 2001. I sat in my neighborhood barber's chair and voiced one gentle but firm command, "Please shave all the permed hair off my head."

Astonished he said, "You can't be serious. All this beautiful silver hair?"

A half-hour later, I walked out of that barbershop, feeling the November chill on my freshly buzzed scalp, daring not to look back for fear of turning into a pillar of salt.

As I turned the key in my car's ignition, I realized that it was more than my hair that I left on that barbershop floor. The hair represented "release" - release of the old and dysfunctional to embrace the new release of the pain of yet another failed marriage. Release of my contrived agenda that superceded God's plans for me. Release of the guilt that I held onto in spite of God's forgiveness for the part I played in the breakup.

In that moment between "Park" and "Drive," I wept a joyful three full tears and shouted, "I's free now."

Flashback 2001: 910 + 911 = Emotional Rape

These are the unaltered entries that I made in my journal before I cried myself to sleep on the nights of September 10th and 11th September 2001.

September 10, 2001 My husband left me tonight...but life goes on...God being my helper. I will not be defeated!! I will not worry...for it changes nothing...My God promises that He will supply all my needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. I will stand on that Word. Yes, I cry for what is lost. I cry...but only when I focus on my situation without factoring God into my situation. But with God, I know that all things are possible! Because Jesus is alive and real...I know the end of this story...I WIN!!!!!

September 11, 2001 The scene is so horrific, surreal, and apocalyptic. The World Trade Center Towers, the pentagon...airplanes crashed into these buildings. Towers actually collapsed! untold number of people dead, maimed, missing, in hospitals, trapped...there is chaos in America...satan is celebrating as is his job to manipulate us to seek, kill, steal, and destroy each other. My God, come soon Lord Jesus....mankind is not doing well on it's own at all. Reports of mothers and fathers killing their children...signaled to me the beginning of the end to life as we once knew it...i knew it had to get worse. And today...it has... All that has happened today...makes my concerns seem scrawny and trivial. So my husband left me last night...I sit here typing---updating my website in the comfort of my home. Many, because of the events of this day, will never come home again. I mourn not for the seeming death of my marriage, but with my nation...my people...the hopes, dreams, lives lost. And I cry with those who love them whose lives will be forever changed because of the events of this day. God strengthen, hold in the palm of Your hands, those that will be unable to sleep tonight, those who are crying out to you for mercy and to bring their loved ones home. Please give us what we need at the exact moment that the need arises...the things that we need that we cannot give to ourselves like peace in the midst of the turmoil, your perspective, courage, and fearlessness. For you have not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. And, God thank you that you will render justice on behalf of your people.

Soul Shout™ is Born

Today is the first day of the rest of my Soul Shout. Who knows where this will or will not lead. Bottomline, my soul will get it's daily (perhaps) shout on. Thank you, Lord, for yet another opportunity to share this voice with whomever -- whereever.